I want to make another entry (cough). It's related to a few entries back, and really I wanted to write it a few days ago, but I didn't have the gumption. Here:
As a kid, I more or less decided that I really should've been born a boy. I liked playing with boys better, I liked talking to boys better, I just generally clicked with them, while girls always seemed weird to me. And then there was the whole moreattractedtogirlsthanboys thing, which was always a factor. Most things just seemed to point more readily to boyhood. I've gone over this before.
Okay. The fact that I was biologically female, and felt I shouldn't be, led to more. Hm. Succinctly male modes of expressing myself. As a child. It became important to not cry, to take pain, to be more masculine than feminine in all things, as a sort of compensation for my self-perceived failure of being a female. This led to a tendency to not express emotion at all, and to repress the feeling of it as much as humanly possible. Hence: dissociation of my emotions from events, even today. Also: dissociation of my emotions from people in many cases. I like to think that I have a switch that I can turn on and off. It isn't exactly true, but I can delude myself with a fair level of competence.
I think another aspect of my failure to relate to people is this self-repression, and I do think the gender issues are the root cause of most of that. I remember chastising myself for feeling several times as a youth.
Gender is a big thing to me. It's hard to reconcile a personal belief that something shouldn't exist, when the rest of the world seems so adamant to maintain that same belief as a cornerstone of human interaction. The first question past your name on any survey.
Will most likely be chewing over all the contributing factors to the way I behave for a good long time, but things get a little bit easier with each bit I uncover.
revoless.
1:39 p.m.
July 30, 2003.
Listening to: Beulah.