I forget that I am a part of the world. Or maybe it's forgot, and I've merely forgotten that when you forget you need to remember again. I wave with four-fingered ripple in dazed confusion when people acknowledge my presence. "I'm here? You can see me? Well fancy that..." And then I fade back into my own world.

We have no words. Words are from the others. We express ourselves in faceless, nameless emotions and pure tones. Purity. That's the word. And the more contact I have with the world, the less I am.

People have to say something to me twice, before I realise they're talking to me. It doesn't even register, the first time around, anymore. I don't even notice that it's happening.

Surrounded by walls, I cannot convince myself to do anything anymore. Homework? Who does that? ...It isn't important anymore. I leave it alone. I fail. It does not register that this is a failure. I do not realise what I'm doing or not doing anymore. Making the decision to not do something is the same as doing that thing, in my mind, now. I've forgotten the difference between action and inaction. This does not feel like a safe place. I've stopped worrying about anything, but disapproving glances show up, and I look startled, "What did I do wrong? You mean I was really supposed to do that?"

For the first time I've gained that teenaged trait: the rules applied to the rest of the world no longer apply to me. I can make my own decisions, not do things, or do things, and face no consequences. Not that I have any desire to abuse it. One of the rules that doesn't apply is the one that states I am a human being with a body and exist in society.

I live inside of my head, and never outside of it. Many times, I forget I have a body. I am a walking eye. The rest of me has fallen away. And even that is fading, eyes blurry on a constant basis.

I can't talk to anyone anymore.
I can't do anything productive anymore.
I can't even sit still and consume things anymore.
I have to be making some form of art, by myself, for myself. Or I sleep.
And those are the only options, now.

And this makes me sad only because I am forced to sometimes almost meet the world halfway. And I've forgotten how.

revoless.
5:47 p.m.
October 22, 2001.
comments? 0.

peace treaties with self and other concepts or aren't chest pains supposed to be bad?