My heart is performing Olympic-style gymnastics inside of my chest right now. Severe pain. Irregular rhythms. That sort of thing. Normally I'd think nothing of it. But it's been going on for fifteen minutes, minimum. Before it lasted a maximum of five. And it never hurt this badly. Was never this erratic.
There is a survey question: have you ever felt like you were going to die? At least now I can answer that with a resounding yes.
Not that I'm doing anything about it. Mentally conducting my heart, when I can. I've always been good at that. Had fun with it, as a kid. Speeding up and slowing down. Fucking with the heads of random doctors and nurses. But. Now I'm afraid of what will happen if I stop paying attention. And I have to sleep. And the pain is still there. And it's only half-working.
(My brain is saying: you are being melodramatic, nothing is happening, you are finefinefine...)
...Nothing has been happening. Really only writing an entry because I haven't in a while. God though. It needs to stop hurting now...
revoless.
8:24 p.m.
October 25, 2001.
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