I can't remember a time when I didn't sing. Five years old an in elementary school, we had a choir. The group was small, five or six children, and here we were taught the basics of tone and pitch. None of us were any good, but that class, at that age, is prettymuch where I learned about intervals. That's all the teacher could really accomplish with us all year. We stayed after school every day, and sang popular children's songs together, with little regard for anything, really, as children do. But those are nice memories. (And even then I was an alto.) I can't remember further back than that, though I know even then I had been singing for years, couldn't remember a time when I hadn't been singing. Voice has been a main focus of my soul from birth, it seems. And by the time I was in second grade, I was one of the only ones (and perhaps the only one) in my class who sang with proper intonation and pitch, when the class was forced to learn songs to sing during assemblies. And also one of the few who actually enjoyed the experience.

When we had career fairs, and days, where we dressed up in what we wanted to be, I more-or-less chose occupations randomly each year. I always thought it was silly when I saw people dressing up as actresses, or sports stars, as most children do. So naturally I had to be different, I chose realistic occupations. And I kept my constant dream of someday being in a band to myself. This has slowly come out over time, more and more, as my colleagues become more realistic. I always seem to flow counter-fashion. I acted like a cynical thirty-year-old when I was ten, I'm allowed to act ten now, at least in some ways.

In...fourth grade, I believe, I had my first instrumental experience, by joining the school band. This school actually taught electric keyboards as an instrument, and I had one of those at home, so I brought it in to school. I couldn't equate the notes on the page with the notes on the instrument, however, and ended up quitting after a few months of frustration. Took the instrument up again a few years later, and taught myself how to play. By ninth grade I couldn't express my thoughts and emotions through it any longer, however, so I reverted back to my former instrument-less state.

In ninth grade, I was in choir (as had become the norm) and for the first time, I was placed as a Soprano. Now, I thought the teacher was crazy. My voice cracks at the b above middle c, though it can go over two octaves below middle c. And I was placed as a...Soprano. My voice came out as squeaks and barely audible murmurs the entire year, because I simply could not sing the notes, however hard I tried. And at the end of the year she said that she could never make out my voice, and therefore could not recommend what level I should be in the following year. Well I wonder why.

So I took the same level the next year. She was an idiot anyway, at least maybe this time she would listen and place me correctly, and then maybe hear me, at the least it would give me a period just to sing an absorb myself in music, right? Wrong.

There is no theatre class in our school, no drama class. The teacher, for some inane reason, assumes that we're all interested in acting as well. About a tenth of the class days were spent working on some sort of acting activity, with no music at all. This annoyed me to no end, as I don't much enjoy acting. It was a pastime I occasionally fell into as a child. I was better at it than most people. My faces and voices were actually convincing. I got told by everyone that I was a "really good actress" and, well, that was good enough for me. Those things get old, after a while, though. What more is acting than reciting lines you don't mean? It just ended up seeming too insincere, and I ended up losing all interest in it by the time I was through with middle school. More accurately, I lost interest in everything but music at that time. Music and razor blades. Despression's a bitch, I'll say that much. Especially when you were used to being everyone's dream child, in every way, and suddenly you find that you can't even smile for people any longer. All the same. Acting wasn't something I enjoyed. To make matters even worse, we spent about a third of the time watching musicals and sitting about doing absolutely nothing. How much does that leave for actual music? Half? I don't know, I've lost track of my fractions, but all the same, it was depressing. But at least she placed me as an alto second year.

And these were the reasons I didn't apply for her class this year. That, and I had had her two periods Sophomore year, due to my taking another music class, and her teaching all of them. And she's just. Well. Flaming racist, republican, uptight, close-minded... basically all of the character traits I don't like to be around in people. Disgruntled musician, who had her dreams shattered, and now. And now she covers inadequacy with pride above all others. At least that's the best I can figure out. Perhaps I am jumping to conclusions, but all does point in that direction.

Over the course of this year, I forgot all of this. I confined all of my learning to private studies. Took up the bass guitar somewhere along the line this summer, and am learning still, but I'm to where all I really need is practise now. And for my hands to cooperate, as they haven't been lately. Can't do anything about that though. I'm going off topic.

So I forgot about all of those things over this year, and I signed up for her class again, onto my schedule. Today received a paper stating that I should have auditioned first, and need to see her. I really don't want to see her. With reading that all memories came flooding back. I shiver every time I see her, still. Have for years. She has this feeling about her, and it's just. I. Don't like being around it.

It isn't so important. It's not as though she has us sing half of the time anyway. I don't know why I even thought of taking the course again anyway. And I will have to see her, either way, but I don't know what I'll say. I hadn't given it that much thought. My feelings were simply: "I miss music in school." And I sing in classes, and between them. I bring my walkman to school for every spare moment from teacher's lectures. I bring music into school even without the courses. And I know all that she can teach in any case, I've taught myself so much theory on my own time this year it's absolutely disgusting. And that's all she really ever had over me. I would learn more without her, I would be more involved with music without her. But it could completely screw up the plans in my head. For college, and the like.

I really don't want to be in her class again. Not now. I have developed so much since then. She merely kills all love of notes. And I am panicking. I don't like to say that I am, but I am. I always think about things that shouldn't be thought of, and don't think about things that really should be contemplated beforehand. If that weren't the case, I wouldn't be getting myself into these messes.

revoless.
9:00 p.m.
2001-04-18.
comments? 0.

An obsessive tendency or two. or Actual events (gasp) of the weekend.