I feel like I've aged several years in the past month.
Somewhere around the age of eleven or twelve I got stuck. And this was fine, because I'd always acted older than I was. It got me through most of high school without any real problems. I felt older than my peers until I was a senior--age seventeen, for the latter half of the year. And then I felt like I was a little behind. And I stayed behind for the year and a half since I graduated.
I hadn't developed at all emotionally since I was in middle school, or at least not to a noticeable extent.
And then this month came. And I feel like I am my age, if not a bit older. I feel more like myself again.
Been over most of this. Started trusting myself and feeling again, mostly. And everything has changed, it seems like.
I've gotten boring, mostly. My interests have narrowed to such a precise point that I almost never bring up anything that isn't music-related in some way. This is good, to an extent. Music makes me happy. It means more to me than anything in the world. And having the added focus is getting me closer to it. Making me more discerning while I listen, making me create more, practice more. And I'm content the whole time. I just can't help thinking that I must bore the shit out of everyone who knows me.
I don't do anything else. I read, yes. (The first thing I did when I woke up today was read a short story by Camus. I spent a few hours after I finished just thinking about it. Brilliance.) But I can't watch TV without wanting to throw something at the set. I don't care particularly much about anything newsworthy, it just always seems like the same old shit. The world fascinates me to a certain extent, but there I mostly just smile to watch it, and have little to actually say about it. And when I do talk about things, I always feel like I'm coming off pretentious and condescending. I'm always twisting instances into big pictures. I talk in generalisations. I can't help it.
Everything just seems so simple now. I understand. And nothing seems easy. Doable, endurable, but never easy. But that's part of the beauty, I think, so I don't mind anything.
I'm getting better at recognising and accepting my emotions by the minute, which is really the fascinating part. I think. I think puberty might've been what set most of this off. Instead of being a hormonal, overreacting, emotional teenager, I behaved myself. From the inside out. By repressing everything instinctually. Denying the existence of anything unpleasant or too intense.
And damn, I was good at denial.
And living is hard. Feeling is hard. But there's more balance if I don't bottle things up to the point of explosion, I think.
I have nothing to say that I haven't already said a million times, I think. I'm just in awe at the moment. I've been in perpetual awe for weeks now, it seems.
I just can't get over how much clearer things seem. How much better the world looks.
Everything.
revoless.
12:01 a.m.
December 05, 2003.
Listening to: Songs: Ohia.