Everything's made an unusual amount of sense lately.
Most of my life I've felt as if things were moving along without my control, or even my understanding. Hence I observed from an external point, in an attempt to understand. Looking from this external, detached point, I never knew where my emotions stemmed from. I didn't understand them. And, because I never understood them, I never felt them as deeply as I might have.
Now things have been simplified a bit. Nudged in a particular direction. That, and I've finally, somehow, started occupying my own body. Claiming my own emotions. Noticing where they come from, and feeling them instead of fighting them. It's a certain amount of resignation, as well as of trust. Both of which were alien to me previously.
I think it's possible that the mood swings have gone. The irony is that now I feel things more deeply, because I can no longer dismiss emotions as entirely irrational and move on.
It baffles me, honestly. I feel! I am affected by externals! And I did not know it was possible for me to do either. I remember closing off, and it was done so long ago that I didn't think I'd ever be open again. Old habits, et al.
It's odd to feel alive. To feel human. To walk around in dazed happiness. To sit in my room and tear up because I miss a person. To be anything at all.
I've never been vulnerable before. I've never given up on controlling anything before. I've never ceased to be composed. I've never. And it's so odd. And the oddest point is that it's not so terrible as I supposed, or terrible at all, really. I am resigned. I can no longer protest the emotions that I used to shove down and avoid entirely.
I don't know how to articulate this proplerly.
I feel I am very late in learning these things, and part of me laments this. I am too slow, too inexperienced, too little too late.
But I am understanding and feeling more as I go along. The more I read and see and do.
Everything's opening up. All at once. And a good deal of it doesn't make sense. Little of it makes any logical sense. But I'm slowly starting to understand the logic and value of things that simply don't make sense. That can't be justified. And that's the most alien thing of all, to me.
I suspect relationships of any kind require a good amount of faith as well as resignation, though neither in that order. And I've never been good at either. But, for the first time, I am not beyond hope with either. After all, I've already succumbed to half of the equation, beyond all of my expectations. Perhaps the other will follow.
revoless.
2:32 p.m.
March 13, 2004.
Listening to: Thingy.