I'm shrinking still, but I'm not trying to. That makes it better, right?
I promised to bring my advisor some recipes for wheat-free bread (and similar things), because her poor husband is currently condemned to eating rockhard wheatfree bread. My family's bread is not rockhard. This is the good part about having a mother who loves to cook, and is allergic to almost all things Food.
I think wheat is probably gone forever now. Even when I waver there are always people there to turn me away, once I tell them I can't eat it. Nuts should be gone soon too. I just wish I had something the texture of peanut butter, to replace things with. Dairy is being more stubborn. I don't understand this, as I'm not particularly fond of the taste, and have the worst reactions from milk products. But all the same.
I've grown into the habit of burning a new cd every morning. This will be bad once I run out of mp3s. It occurred to me earlier today that My Ruin is the heaviest band I've ever heard. And they're a bunch of chicks.
Took my psychology and math (I almost typed maths. Someone slap me.) exams today. The Psychology exam was just the pretest he gave us on the first day in his class. Since I passed it the first time, I wasn't worried at all about my grade, after he said that. Then m--oh, fuck it. Then maths, which was much easier than I expected. I've no idea what I expected, really. But more than that. I always anticipate tests to be harder than they really are. ...This can probably be applied to my entire life.
I always assumed people would react poorly if I spoke to them, joined in their conversations. Lately I've been talking despite this fear. And been utterly shocked to find that no one has been horrible to me. Before they were horrible to me about my not talking, and I was able to put it aside in my mind, because I knew they'd be worse if I spoke. But now I've spoken, and they're not worse, but much better. It's odd, really. Turns my world upside down. Provides another instance in which I was blatantly wrong. The trick now is to make sure that I consistently know that it's alright to speak, instead of sporadically, as the situation is now.
My brother and stepfather were probably to blame for my thinking speaking is wrong. They always snapped at me and mocked me whenever I said anything that was on my mind. My brother still does, sometimes, though I no longer have contact with my stepfather. Interesting how these things work. (I never even questioned it before.)
So talking is easier than expected. Another thing I'm afraid of: applying to college. Given the previous experiences with tests and talking, my experiences can probably be extended to say that being accepted into college will be much easier than I expect. I'm not so worried now. But I still want to take a year off.
I think I've probably rambled enough here, for today.
revoless.
3:57 p.m.
January 16, 2002.
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