I haven't written in a long time. There have been reasons.

A lot has happened, a lot has changed. But I found myself missing this place. The blue and white update page. The girl in the corner of the diary's face.

I've been writing at Livejournal (where the private and friends-only features have been much appreciated, I assure you). But it never was the same there. Keeping friends updated, private rants, the site is good for those things. But nothing of substance can really be placed there. Livejournal isn't for writing, it's for communicating.

For those who aren't already aware, I've only been in Ohio for a bit under a month. I was in Maryland for six weeks before that. Fell in love with a boy and a school, and still can't decide which I love more. They both make me cry and smile on a regular basis. Read many suspiciously good books. Learnt to talk and exist in the world, albeit a little late. Got my heart broken, and learnt to feel in that moment. Came home. Moved back and forth in my progress with, well, everything.

And now? I'm sad. Bitter. A little angry (I was punching bedposts earlier). Fundamentally changed, really. The biggest difference is that I now let myself feel without ending up sorry for it. Without trying to rationalise and kill it. I let myself feel negative emotions other than sadness, no more transmutation. There is more nuance on the high end as well, of course. I'm not so much of a Vulcan as I used to be. I'm decidedly more human, and a female human, at that. Shock of shocks.

And I can't not live anymore. I have been mostly alone since I got back, in the middle of nowhere. I am tired of being too far from anything to touch it. Being nothing, after having tasted the alternative, is driving me insane. And I figure that's a good thing.

I don't know if I'll start writing here regularly or not. (Do I still have readers?) I don't know if I'll touch back on some of these memories and write them up in detail. I'd like to. Get more of it down before I forget, that is. Regardless, a summary was necessary if I wanted to write any more entries. And I did want to make at least one.

I finally understand the utility of a diary, and sometimes it's easier to type than to write by hand. Considering how quickly I've been going through notebooks, it's probably a hell of a lot cheaper as well.

Stay beautiful.

revoless.
1:09 a.m.
June 12, 2004.
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You have to care for it to keep it together. or A dazzling list of mistakes