In which I go against my rational mind and rant about a boy:

Part of me thinks this is a bad idea, but I've been going over this in my head for a while, and I do feel compelled to record it. So I'm going to. All in one post. A summary of sorts.

One day, after much contemplation, I decided that I needed to make a list of what an ideal person would be, for me. To date, I mean. I thought it would be helpful to know what I wanted, as well as what I needed. My mother'd told me I'd need to do this when I was young, and I do think she was right in that.

There was only one problem. The list kept leading me to think about a guy I'd lost contact with around two years ago. Which was frustrating, because I'd all but lost hope in actually being able to talk to him again, and, well. Yes. It's just not a good to resurrect hopeless crushes. Impractical, really. And then there was the issue of, 'Where am I going to find another person like him?' Because if there's anything I've learnt lately, it's the value of people. How fundamentally different and beautiful each one of us are.

And granted, making the list was purely a mental exercise. Nothing I ever imagined holding anyone to, just an ideal scenario. The only trouble was that he came so close to my ideal. Which, honestly, rather scared me. Especially considering I had no contact with him. Insert moping and resurgence of crush here. Also insert whinging to friends about this on a message board, because I trust them more than anyone in the world.

This whinging, and relating whining about how I missed other people that used to post with us at the board (and commiseration on that point), led to a sort of drive to regain people. And we did regain quite a few. Jack, the guy I've been talking about here, was one of the people who came back during this renaissance of sorts.

I died.

And things went on as normal for a while. Like they were before. And this was brilliant. And I was happy.

And then he found the post in which I moped about having an unfortunate crush on him.

I was embarassed.

But that led to Shakespeare-quoting and the arrangement of a date on Saturday. So, yes. Tomorrow he'll arrive here on the trip from Maryland to Nashville, to spend a day with me.

And I'm elated.

I have no idea where any of this will lead, if anywhere. I don't know if I'll be shy or outspoken, intelligent or ditzy. I really have no idea about any of it, and I've let go completely.

The progression of events so far has led me to a certain trust in the world, and especially in the people I know. And. It's beautiful.

I'm just excited to see how things turn out. Excited to see him in person again, and talk, and watch foreign flicks, and...oh!

It's a very happy thing.

And I'm just letting the world guide me along, for the first time in my life. Breathing and living and feeling. Having faith.

It's wonderful. Like I've finally found freedom.

revoless.
5:41 p.m.
March 05, 2004.
Listening to: Optiganally Yours.

comments? 1.

Accidental communion with nature or 7:46:14. An entry of pure self-indulgence.

newest entry
random entry
older entries
profile
pictures
livejournal
theme song
book excerpt
band list
quiz results
diaryrings
cliques
guestbook
diaryland