liar? me? well...:

There are things I want to figure out. And as that's what I use this diary for, I think it would be a good time to write an entry.

I've been trying to figure out where I stand. What I am, I suppose. How much of what I say and do is a wall to keep people out.

And lately I've been discovering these things, and been surprised at how deep these things go.

I am much more conservative than I let on. Much more traditional. Boring, almost. Much less abrasive, as well. More accepting.

I don't know why I let my dark side shine through more than my positive, bright side. I guess it's easier.

I like pushing people away from me, to a certain extent. I like keeping people at a distance.

Half of what I say is complete bullshitting. I only realise this when I watch myself from a distance, but it's absolutely true. Half of what I say I don't believe at all. It's all either a warped joke or a test, of others or myself.

And I'm seeing this. And I'm hating myself for it. It's practically compulsive. Lately I've tried to tone it down by amending things, clarifying when things are taken the incorrect way I lead people to.

But even that's quite hard for me.

I'm not a very good person. I'm deceptive, primarily. The thing is that I lead people to believe I'm much worse of a person than I really am, essentially.

In that, maybe I am a bit of a rarity?

I need to figure out how to work through this. Break this down. Because I keep hating myself for voicing and promoting things I don't even believe in. ...Isn't that odd?

I guess I think it's better to be rejected for things I don't believe in than to be rejected for things I've actually placed my heart in.

There you go. That's it. The crux of it.

Damn. I'm so insecure. Pity.

revoless.
6:08 p.m.
February 12, 2004.
Listening to: Noise for Pretend.

comments? 0.

I'm a donkey alright. or Happiness is

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