I like talking about music. I like talking about politics, and books, and abstract ideas. But beyond that? I'm a closed off figure.
'I think,' and 'I feel,' never come out of my mouth. Save the occasional, frustrated groan. And then only with people I trust, when I think they're not really listening.
I'm afraid of reproach, I think. I'm terrified of criticism. I can talk about several, surface topics without incident. I know my shit when it comes to art and politics and history and religion. I spend countless hours learning, absorbing, digesting, just to make absolutely certain that I'm in a near-irreproachable position. Or at least so that I can get myself to a state where I can take anything anyone says without feeling like I'm being personally insulted by it.
I can't do that with emotional issues. I can't do it with unfounded opinions. I can't do it for things that can't be supported with facts, figures, anecdotes from history. So I don't talk about anything personal. Because all really personal things are at least somewhat irrational. And that leaves me vulnerable, which is still my biggest fear.
I can do small talk well. I often don't, because I don't particularly enjoy bullshitting, but I'm well aware that I can. I'm more aware and better educated than most folks seem to be, which helps a lot.
But I do learn these things as a defense. Because I'm afraid of not knowing everything. Of being wrong. And I learn these things because I'm afraid of running out of things to say, which I do a lot.
There's only so far you can go into a relationship with a person without revealing any of yourself. Any of your dreams or feelings or irrational convictions. And we all have them, as much as I might try to kill mine.
But I can't reveal those. I don't trust people to do anything but beat them down. So I keep them locked inside, and I peer through my wall, and I put off a veneer or coolness or brilliance, depending on the observer's luck. Usually coolness. Most do see me as aloof. A snob, really.
I want to be open. I do. But I have no idea how to be. Whenever I think of speaking about anything that really matters to me, my heart leaps into my throat and I choke. Silent.
No wonder I haven't been able to form a lasting relationship with anyone I've met in over four years.
revoless.
6:29 p.m.
February 04, 2004.
Listening to: Minus the Bear.