I do this every year. Or, rather, I do it half of the time every year. When my longing to be religious grows so intense that I think, 'Hey, maybe I can be.'
It's not like I don't know of a religion that makes sense to me. I do. It's just the God issue that hangs me up. Makes me go, 'Isn't this just wishful thinking?'
I don't know. My heart aches. I don't think it's natural for an atheist to want God.
I have faith in the world, in life. I have faith that it won't throw anything at me that I can't handle. That I should and will be able to learn from everything that happens to me. When I think about this, it seems patently irrational. If the world is completely random, then this couldn't possibly be true. If it isn't random, then, well. Then my atheism may be a problem, or at least an inaccuracy.
So there are two options, and either way a part of my faith is unfounded. Either I should believe in a higher power, or I should not believe I'll always be alright.
And I'm afraid that any logic I use will be wrong. All arguments can be brought full circle if you think about them long enough. And I'm afraid that I'm just trying to brainwash myself because I want to believe so badly.
But I can't believe anything without also knowing it. I need empirical evidence, but I can have none.
If there was a God, if there is a God, he could not place unquestionable evidence of his existence in the world. It would impede free will. And I believe any worthwhile God would hold that right sacred.
Hints are placed, in society as well as human anatomy, but who knows that either mean anything?
I don't know anything. And it bothers me that I don't. Either way I lean feels like a leap of faith. Either way I lean feels like I'm shutting off a part of my brain for the benefit of my spirit.
I just want to know the right answer, and that's not bloody possible!
Maybe I should read more. Find someone religious to talk about this with.
I really want to be Christian. I love the imagery. But I can't believe some of the most basic tenants. God in human form just seems like blasphemy to me. An outright impossibility. I don't believe his presence is so coherent as that, if it's here at all. And.
I'm just going to hush now.
I've been crying over this every now and then lately. Different reasons. And I think it's just too emotional of an issue for me to write about. So. There you go. End.
revoless.
10:58 a.m.
December 25, 2003.
Listening to: Azure Ray.