This comes as some shock to me, but I don't think I want to go to school.
I've been thinking a lot today. Quite intensively. Nothing else to do. And that's the thought that keeps coming back to me.
I'm only starting to realise what I want from life. And school would just distract me from that, take time away from these pursuits. Just as I'm starting to go after them. Accomplish them.
Going this semester would be mostly pointless in any case. The only good aspect would be that it would allow me to stay on my mother's insurance. But I'd be spending quite a bit of money for classes that I most likely would not want or need to take, and that just seems fucking stupid to me. Especially when they'd take up time that could be spent playing guitar, going to shows and meeting people, writing, or...fuck...any number of more useful things than spending money to waste time. To buy an expensive place on an insurance plan.
I want to live. Because I never have. Not so far. And going into an atmosphere that will most likely just make me retreat back into old habits of complete silence and maladjustment just doesn't seem like the smartest way to reach that goal.
I just don't think I'm ready yet. I want to go before too long. But I want to go when I'd have a complete choice of classes to take. I want to go when I've gotten used to socialising, or at least gotten used to dealing with people at all.
I'd like to work, I think. As practice in doing things I don't want to do. Functioning around and with people I wouldn't normally have to see.
I think most of the reason the school visit threw me off so much is that I've spent so much time at thrift shops and tiny shows that I'd forgotten what normal people looked like.
And I need to know these things, before I start learning formally, I think.
I took time off to straighten my head, figure out what I want, go after it, learn, and live.
I've done most of this, but I've only just begun exploring the possibilities of the last item on the list. Not to mention a good deal more could and should be accomplished in a couple of the other categories.
I just don't think I'm ready for formal learning yet. There are things I still need to figure out and experience on my own.
...Still not sure about any of this, of course. But it's where a large part of my brain is now.
In any case, I need to figure this out. And quickly.
revoless.
5:18 a.m.
December 10, 2003.
Listening to: Kind of Like Spitting.