Pre-school anxieties:

This is, I think, what's been bothering me today. Maybe writing about it will help me feel better. Less down.

I went to the community college yesterday, I think. Signing up, and all of that.

It was the first time I'd been there. And I wanted to go. But now I've been...concerned, to say the least.

Is this going to be just like high school?

It looked like high school. It felt like high school. The most apparent change was that there were more black people (ah, going to school in rich suburbs...)

I guess I'm just skeptical. More like terrified. The people looked the same as they always did. The environment seemed to be the same. I looked around and the only thing I could think was, 'These people look nothing like me. They probably are nothing like me.'

And, granted, this is no change for me. The only places I can look around and feel like people are similar to me is at shows, goth or indie, makes no difference, really. Because I'm fairly evenly placed between the two subcultures, both feel like home to me.

But school? People in completely ordinary, new clothes? People who listen to radios and watch televisions and actually like what they find there? I don't...understand it at all. I can't relate. I feel like I'm a minority there, I suppose, and suddenly am left with a sense of helplessness. What am I supposed to do, outside of go back home to my guitar and my records and comfort myself that way?

I'm just. Afraid that it'll all be as petty as high school was. That no one will know about even the most well-known bands I care about (I had to explain who Radiohead were several times in high school). That everyone will have completely different values from mine...

And my values aren't particularly amazing. Music is a religion for me, which is perhaps shallow, but it's me. I don't know about movies or celebrity gossip or...real life, even. I know books and theories and sometimes big pictures. Generalisations.

I look at my own life in theoretical terms. I don't understand...normal ways of looking at things, I suppose. I don't understand how small elements of life turn into Big Issues for people.

I guess I'm just afraid of not finding anyone who's like me. Anyone who I can relate to and talk to for hours on end.

Because I can't change. I can't care about things that have absolutely no importance to me. I can't fake it.

And I don't want to be anywhere, I don't want to be in the world if it just means I'm going to feel alone while I'm out there.

Wow. Um. I didn't know that before I wrote it.

Now I feel silly.

I didn't even realise I was lonely. Or at least so afraid of loneliness that I avoided any chance for company.

Interesting.

revoless.
8:55 p.m.
December 09, 2003.
Listening to: Bright Eyes.

comments? 3.

Christmas music (can be) good or Yes. No. Maybe.

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