There are three cons: I keep getting Of Montreal's Isn't it Nice? stuck in my head. The grandmother is vastly overprotective, and has been indoctrinated a bit too deeply by her Southern Baptist brethren. And seeing shows has become a difficult proposition.
I figure there's no cure for the first bit. I live in the country. It's helpless. I'm already making progress on the second con through my highly logical arguments. And the third bit should become easier once I become better at driving, and more familiar with the places I'll need to go.
Other than that, moving out here has been a very good decision.
Outward signs: I'm singing and dancing in aisleways and on sidewalks whenever I go out, I'm talking a hell of a lot louder, I'm claiming and voicing my feelings (ironically, the opposite has begun to happen online), I'm doing a lot more in the way of creating things, I'm figuring out exactly what I find appealing and want from life (and am pursuing and doing all of these things).
There's more. There are specific examples. But those are the major things I've noticed. The things that shocked me.
And there are things I'm still learning, still accepting about myself. But I'm actually moving forward here, as opposed to backwards. And this even while in the depressive state I've fallen into.
The combination of all of this, the improvement of circumstances and the symmetry of moods, is part of what's made me realise that I really don't have control of my depressive cycles, and probably never will. And made me see that I'll have to do something about that.
I have to decide what I want from people, and pull whatever it is towards me. Because they need to play some role, I think. It could be beneficial. I just haven't ever thought about what I could want from people before. Not seriously. And I think it's worth recognising that I could want something, and should have all I want in that regard.
I want to start making choices. But first I need to learn to trust myself a bit more. 'Tis the lesson I'm currently trying to absorb.
Things are moving faster. It won't be long.
revoless.
2:42 a.m.
November 20, 2003.
Listening to: Of Montreal.