Seeing Voltaire made me think about a few things. Well, I'd already been thinking, but he made me think even more. And. I came to the conclusion that I'm a fucking moron, and morality is the most pointless thing in the entire fucking world.
The important thing is doing what will make yourself happy. (If you do this rationally, this should often make others around you happy as well, so it's not as though I'm condoning being totally evil.) And what I'm doing isn't helping that. I deny myself things I want in the name of self-righteousness. Not shopping in certain places. Not buying certain things. Not eating a fuckload of things.
And, well, two points. Goodness can't be based on what you don't do, for one. The other thing: What good can any of that really do? Absolutely none. The world isn't going to change, at least within my lifetime, so all these things are doing is diminishing my own potential for enjoyment. For no reason. Decidedly ungood.
So I've decided: Fuck politics, fuck ethics, I'm shopping anywhere that has anything I like, and I'm eating whatever I want. And I won't regret.
So now I'm officially not vegan. I've tried this before and failed, and I'll still act like a vegan in many respects. Eating animal corpses seems incredibly fucking disgusting to me, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to eat meat again. I also have trouble digesting animal protein at all, so I'm still not eating much in the way of dairy products, but I don't think that's a problem. The option is there to take or leave, and the sense of freedom is rather nice. Clothes-wise, I doubt much will change either. The smell of leather makes me ill, and I've hated fur on every level since I was about four, so it's not as though I'm about to start wearing either. As to the other shit involved in veganism... I'll probably stay the same just out of habit. It doesn't really matter to me.
Now. Shopping habits. I don't see those changing too terribly much either. I like to minimise shopping in non-thrift stores because of pricetags and the fact that the clothes in them are easy to find (and therefore more likely to be owned by other people--I like having distinctive clothing whenever possible) as much as the pricetag involvement. But. Well. Voltaire's designed shirts and shit that're sold in Hot Topic, and I definitely want to look for those. Just because I'm a fangirl.
Basically, I've been taking myself way too fucking seriously, and repressing elements of myself in the process. This is not good. I need to accept that I am human, and as such I am implicitly selfish. Among many sins. And there's nothing fucking wrong with that.
Lately I've been thinking, half in jest, that perhaps the Puritans were right, and it's predetermined who goes to hell and who to heaven. I was thinking that perhaps my lack of ability to believe (despite all my desires) is due to the fact that I'm going to hell. And if that's the case, why the fuck am I trying to be 'good' during my time on Earth?
I'm going to hell. I'm enjoying myself along the way.
revoless.
4:37 a.m.
November 01, 2003.
Listening to: Simply Waiting.
The pleasure that my sadness brings or The art of being alone