'Stop! I don't want to learn how to hurt people!'
'No, you just want to hurt yourself.'
'No I don't!'
It took me a while to figure out what she was even talking about. Today I have a deeper wound in my side than I have in a long time (from a conversation that won't be excerpted from, because I don't remember the exact words. That and I know I didn't say anything the entire time outside of meaningless grunts and eeps.) And I realised that my only current trigger for cutting is...her.
'The next time he cuts me to the quick like that I'll bring up how at least my kids want to be around me. His just hit him up whenever they need money...'
Which is ironic considering at that moment I was contemplating heading off to live with my grandmother (she wants me there, my mother and her boyfriend have made clear that they don't like having me around, my brother is indifferent). My brother has actually brought up living with his father to her. He isn't going to, I think mostly because they're pretty equally intolerable in different ways, and it therefore wouldn't help him much to go. Or maybe she just guilttripped him. I have no idea.
'What was it? I didn't see.'
'Just a car, you wouldn't have looked anyway. If it was a guy you would've looked. [pause.] Actually, you probably wouldn't have looked then.'
'No, I probably wouldnt've.'
'[odd tone] What if it was a girl, would you've looked then?'
I shrugged. '50-50 chance for either gender, I'd say.'
I've never actually come out as bisexual to my family. It's prettymuch just understood. I drool over actresses quite openly, and I get teased whenever I say anything that could be construed as conveying interest in a boy, so it's been understood that I like girls (and to a lesser degree, boys) for some time. Subtle hints. Obvious hints. I don't bring things up unless they come up in conversation, so yes. I have to do things like that in stealth mode.
'You shouldn't avoid relationships just because all of mine have been shitty.'
Okay, that'd admittedly part of the reason I avoid(ed) relationships. Another part, equally significant, is that I've been convinced that I can only bring misery to other people's lives, and no one could ever honestly love me. So there'd be no use in trying. After all, I am 'dragging her down' by doing such things as eating and failing to do chores. (No specific chores were assigned, and most of the time when I do them I get chastised for doing them incorrectly or too soon. So I just gave up and stopped trying, because I obviously have no idea what she wants me to do.)
I hate being a victim, but that's all I am here.
And I know a lot of these conversations are one-sided. Trust me, she doesn't mind.
'I need to vent, otherwise I'm not happy.'
I came home and cried.
revoless.
8:43 p.m.
September 22, 2003.
Listening to: Bright Eyes/Britt Daniel.