I was thinking about the way that I speak to people. Examining the things I say and do in my head. I had this feeling that I was inherently dishonest, and this bothered me, because honesty is, I think, the most important trait to maintain in life. Dishonesty's not something that ever jived with my own perceptions of myself.
And then I pulled out certain instances in my brain. Mixed them with other things. Nodded. I'm not dishonest, but I'm certainly not straightforward.
Mm. Not quite right either.
Illustration: When I am sober, I stumble when I walk. When I am drunk, I expend a good deal of effort to make sure I appear sober. This combination of affairs means that I look and act basically the same in either state. It's the same in most other areas of my life. I smile when I'm sad. I frown when I'm happy. I try to even things out on the outside, to protect the inside from being exposed. It's an external balancing act, because I can do nothing with the internal aspects of myself.
Conversations are similar. I abhor dishonesty, as I said, and this plays a major role. I am honest to the point of saying things that I really, really should not say. Things that are inappropriate or shocking often come out of my mouth (or fingers). And often they're absolutely true, it's just that most people wouldn't say them. Now, this is a lot of honesty, and I don't trust anyone in the world implicitly. Perhaps I trust no one in any capacity. So I have to do something to protect myself without resorting to lying or awkward silences, if I want to keep the person around me.
So I add filler. Bullshit. I talk out of my ass and say things that are completely ridiculous, and often make no sense at all. They blend in with the overly honest statements, and it would take someone knowing me quite well to be able to pick out which is which. (I don't think anyone knows me that well.)
This, of course, gets lowered over time. If I've known you for several years, it's likely that I don't bullshit you at all anymore. It's a protective mechanism. A way to make sure that I'm not too well known until after I've already been accepted. And then the walls get lowered slowly. I allow myself to love and be loved after I already think the coast is clear.
But people I just meet...I bullshit a whole fucking lot. I'm lucky if I speak pure truth to them a tenth of the time. At that point I'm mostly watching people. Finding out what they care about, what they hate, what they love, what makes them explode. And once I know that, it's easier to let honestly slip out. But I have to know I'm safe first. That's all.
First bullshit. Then truth. I'm shocked anyone ever sticks around at all. Though I suppose bullshitting is probably a better method than the initial silence I always displayed before.
One or the other. Silence or bullshit. At least with the latter people stick around long enough for me to bring out truth eventually.
And I am constantly trying to lessen the bullshit period, because it doesn't seem fair to people.
I do fear though. Still. And fear makes people do the nastiest things.
revoless.
12:07 p.m.
August 13, 2003.
Listening to: Logh.