I never know what I'm not comfortable with until I go past that point, and end up shaking and worrying and whydididothat for days or weeks afterwards. Of course, at that point I back up and say, 'Okay. Never doing that again.' But it still leaves me a bit off for a while.
I am not good at not following my ethics. I suppose it's in the same vein as my not being good at lying. Or insulting people who I don't love intensely (and have to suppress a smile while seething at).
If I do anything that feels like I'm fishing for compliments (even if that wasn't the intent), I feel awkward afterwards. Like I shouldn't have done it.
I'm young and idealistic and have been indoctrinated far too deeply by indie rock culture. S'a shame.
I'm just glad I don't hold (too many) others to my code of ethics. Then I'd be a nazi, as opposed to. Um. I don't know. A self-disciplinarian?
Making shit up is fun!
Went to sleep around sunrise again today, and was woken up early. Coffee is God, simply put. The only bit of dream I remember from the past few days is of watching people iceskate on water. Well, it was more of a combination between diving, swimming, and ice skating, but it was lovely to watch all the same.
Yeah, I miss figure skating being on tv. How could you tell? Jesus. I hope I'm betting at watching that than I have been with watching tv shows lately. Counting down 'till October...
Very excited to go back to school. This is silly.
Even if I did have to debate the relative merits of fitting in to my grandmother. She says that was my mistake in high school. I say my mistake in high school was not talking. Now, which do you think it was?
Yeah. Though so. I will wear whatever I want. Oh!
Dialogue:
Boy in grocery store: 'Are you going to a dance later?'
Me: 'No, I just wear whatever I want (shrug).'
Got complimented quite a bit, which I kind of forgot about. I used to have that happen all the time, then, I don't know. I guess I forgot it happened, so I was rather surprised. Definitely wouldn't want it to happen all the time though. I end up shocked, wide-eyed and blushing.
I've been peaceful the past few days, which is nice.
The show I most want to go to is tomorrow. Really have no idea if I'll be able to get there. I can see the bands whenever I like though, really, so it doesn't matter that much.
Why am I not driving yet?
Me: 'I can drive, I just can't park.' So I naturally exaggerate the shittiness of my parking to prove my point. Not when it would cause a problem, of course, but when it doesn't matter.
Yeah, I'm weird.
Okay, if I say anything else this entry will get too long, and be incredibly disjointed to boot. So. That's all.
revoless.
12:59 p.m.
August 07, 2003.
Listening to: Beulah.