Tonight I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that I have some rather serious abandonment issues.
It motivates a lot of the things I do in life. It's behind a lot of my fears.
In seventh grade I decided that I was afraid of one thing: Love. Just love. It wasn't being loved that I was afraid of, but the idea of loving a person past the point of their loving me. Essentially, I was afraid of abandonment, and anything that could lead up to said situation. To this day I've never been on a date, and honestly can't ever see myself going on one. I am too terrified of not being loved to allow myself to be loved.
Two. Friends. Tenth grade, all of my friends suddenly disappeared. Stopped contacting me in any way. This was fine. I ate my lunch in the corner of a hallway, and stopped talking to anyone. I wasn't upset, I wasn't even hurt. These things happen. I made no new friends after that point. None. I talked to a couple of people a couple of times, but before I could call them anything but an acquaintance I would start avoiding them. Go back to my lonely corner. Go back to silence. I was afraid, though I didn't know of what. It makes much more sense in the context of my current hypothesis.
Three. There is no three, really. Just my generalised, continued behavior of running away from everyone I meet after the first few meetings. In fear. Never initiating contact. My fear of caring, because I know the people won't stick around.
How did I end up like this? What provoked me to start running away before anything even resembling danger appeared?
I don't know, for certain. There are certain elements of my childhood which could contribute to it: My father deciding directly after I was born that he didn't want a child, and ignoring my existence for the rest of my life. My stepfather moving out of the house when I was ten, and never even attempting to have contact with me again, even before divorce proceedings with my mother began (not that I ever really wanted to contact him). Never living in a single city for more than three years before moving to this town, and consequentially having to leave everyone I knew on a semi-yearly basis.
These all would make a decent amount of logical sense, but they don't. They don't explain anything because I was never hurt by any of it. I was never made angry by it. It simply was. Normal. The only thing I'd ever known, and what I assume everyone else has always known. Didn't phase me. Doesn't phase me. So what the hell is causing this, and how do I fix it?
I've abandoned many more people than have abandoned me. I didn't have a choice in the early cases, but the fact remains that I've done so. Perhaps my life is stuck in a neverending karma bubble, and I've become so afraid of my own fate that I've only managed to make it worse. And worse. And worse.
But I don't believe in karma, and indeed it doesn't seem to apply to my life thus far, so that can't be right.
I don't even know what I'm trying to get at. I just wish I knew where this behaviour pattern came from, and I wish I could think of a way to resolve it. Because currently I'm so fucking afraid of losing people that I'm terrified of meeting them to begin with. Unless I know their existence is temporary. Then it's okay. One night stands are fine. Week-long sessions with people are fine. Actual relationships and friendships? No, I'm afraid that won't do.
Changed the theme song to Yes. Again. Though it's been years since I've used it. Perhaps I should just leave it up, it always lasts longer than the others.
revoless.
11:08 p.m.
July 27, 2003.
Listening to: Eastern Youth, Bright Eyes.
Drinking: Nothing. Soon to be vodka.
Eating: Nothing.