I'm trying to persuade myself to eat because it seems like a good idea. I've lost my happiness, and as a consequence I've lost my appetite. My self-esteem. The energy required to do simple things like get out of bed, shower.
I got dressed just now. I'm proud of myself for that.
Yes, now you see.
In any case, the sadness should lead to more entries. This could be a boon or a curse, depending on your point of view. But I promise not to mope too much. Here.
I don't sleep very well. Everyone knows this. Last night I was thinking. Well. Not thinking. I was noticing how I get to sleep. I lie there for ages. I listen to songs in my head. Eventually I make a concerted effort to let go. The only way I can sleep is to dream before I become unconscious.
So I let images come. I latch onto one that pops into my consciousness, and let it evolve. I let words fade out, and just focus on the pictures. A pale foot, a ruffled skirt of several colours, a red-lipsticked smile. These were some from last night. I've forgotten quite a few. And I know I was awake, because I could feel the covers and the heat around me, I could feel the gentle rocking of the waterbed, but I wasn't choosing the images. They came. I watched. And they were as surreal and beautiful as my dreams always are, though I believe they had less logic. My dreams have words and explanations, these images did not.
After a half an hour or so of this I manage to fall asleep. I think it might be a form of meditation? I have no idea, really. All I know is that after a while the images fade out, and I'm left only with my heartbeat and my breath. No thoughts. No sights. Just my heartbeat and my breath. And after a time that lulls me to sleep.
Do normal people have to jump through these hoops, or is it just me?
(P.S. - I'm thinking this layout will probably be temporary as well. I've been longing for something simple lately, and this isn't it.)
revoless.
4:58 p.m.
July 27, 2003.
Listening to: The Cruxshadows.
Drinking: Water.
Eating: Nothing.