For the first time in my life, or at least the first time in a very long time, I know precisely what I want out of life. Not in terms of a career, but in terms of what I want to learn, experience, be. And the answer is very close to everything, as I said in the last entry, but for some reason my interpretation of the word seems almost graspable. And certainly a lifelong preoccupation, even if it isn't.
In other words, I feel like I've found my place finally. And that's comforting. I don't question anything related to myself anymore, it's just the world that makes my mind spin. It's like I've retreated back into my sevenyearold self. Pacing along the four square lines and trying to figure out the whys and hows for everything in existence. Except I don't have four square lines around anymore. Unless I go to a playground. Hm. May have to find one of those...
(pause)
I like being very intense. I like being very passionate. I like gasping and skipping and laughing loudly in public. And I do, when I'm in my base state. My balanced state. I flit from fantasising about death to running around and doing ten million chores and smiling within the same day, and I think that's healthy. I do want to cut out the weeksatatimewithonemood bits though. I think I've decided.
Music. Music is important, and I believe it always will be. Lately I've felt it has been less important, just because I haven't been listening to it as much, but I think that's actually a result of it being more important, and not less so. I just can't listen to music without giving it my full attention anymore. It can't be background noise, it must be the main focus. Anytime I hear the stuff I can never focus on what anyone else is saying, or what I'm reading, or anything. I end up flopping to the floor, mouth gaping in awe. Or skipping and dancing and humming around grocery stores (they were playing classical music! I got excited!)
I guess I just feel very good right now, despite feeling very sad half of the time, and I'm wishing and hoping the convictions last, even though I know the moods and actions won't.
revoless.
8:14 a.m.
July 10, 2003.
Listening to: Cars on wet pavement outside.
Drinking: Nothing.
Eating: Nothing.