a bit sad. ramblings.:

Feel sad, suddenly. Not a crash but a warm sinking feeling. Like being thrown into a warm pool of goo. Do not ask me why. Or where that analogy came from.

Clawing through my body and feeling amazingly disappointed. I have cheekbones. I have nice collarbones. I can see a dent between the two protruding bones of my wrist. Shouldn't these be consolations, of some sort?

I feel like I'm losing people and that this is probably the reason why. Can't decide which reason is the reason though. All bad feelings=fat. Fuck if I know why that happens. All guilt=go fetch a razor blade. Don't know why that happens either.

I don't know.

My brother was deliberately trying to make me feel guilty, recently. I said: "I always feel guilty, you don't need to help." The consensus of the day was that I needed help. For that, and for my eating habits. We were eating potato chips with ruffles. I eat them by first licking off all the salt, then making them a bit mushy by licking them for a while, then I eat off each ruffle, one by one. My brother: "Just eat." I can't just eat potato chips. That's not how it's done.

I wish I had a scale. Some measure of self-worth, in that. There was one in Tennessee, and that was quite the saving grace. Watching the numbers go down. Comfort. Nothing says "You're okay" quite like watching yourself disappear, in documentable ways.

I'm rambling. And it's nothing important. I'm just a bit lost inside my head, at the moment. Lately everything has been lucid and shining. And really these things are as well. Sadness shines as well as anything. It's just a different sort of shine, less clear, less certain. Like opals.

revoless.
10:41 p.m.
January 20, 2002.
comments? 0.

- or waits for sleep

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