I've been eating the same cup of pudding for the past two hours. I'm maybe a tenth of the way done with it. Thinking about covering the top in cellophane and eating more of it for breakfast tomorrow. No use wasting it.
Got into a bit of a state, tonight, quite randomly.
Hearing people (some family, some completely unrecognisable) saying bad things about me.
Hearing people think bad things about me.
Hearing them muttering under their breath about me, when I don't look at their mouths.
Seeing that look in their eyes. That "You are scum, why are you around me, get the fuck away before I have to break a few of your bones" look.
Everyone. Everyone at once, all of these things.
And of course there are the gnats flying around, but I know those aren't real, I have them too often. There's no way they could actually exist like that. (I have retained some modicum of logic.)
I hate it when I get like this. The only way to stay sane is to retreat to my room, focus on music. (Books won't work, the words don't process when I'm like this.)
It's a pain in the ass. I know it can't be real, but I can't stop thinking that it is. Can't stop thinking it has every reason to be true, with how I am. And then I question my assumption that it is not real.
Circles begin. They don't end. My muscles tense up. I start shaking. I go into a cold sweat. I stop breathing properly. You get the idea.
And why I can't just ignore the thoughts is the part of it all that I really can't understand.
I haven't been singing, or writing enough. And I still need to buy some charcoals, drawing paper. I did write a story today, actually. Very random sort of thing. No idea if it's any good or not. I figure I'll read it tomorrow, and decide then. (Delete or edit, those are the options.)
I have no tolerance for bad writing, when it comes from my hands.
Back to school tomorrow, after two days sick. I hope I've calmed down by then. This is bullshit.
revoless.
8:51 p.m.
September 05, 2001.
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