I can't live for the future, and have trouble comprehending anyone who can, because I have no faith that the future will ever come. That it will be better or worse or even there. And I regret my lack of faith, but more than that I regret my lack of understanding.
I shouldn't regret either, I suppose. I am to easy to hate, and too difficult not to. At least for me. Any time I make any progress in that department, I say/think/do something that makes me so utterly disgusted that I hate myself more than ever before.
I am not a human being. I am a pile of toxic waste. I'm not even fucking amusing, I just destroy everything that I touch.
Whatever. 'Self-disgust is self-obsession.' I am too self-obsessed.
I am living for nothing, right now. Because I don't believe in the future, and I have no present. I don't believe in anything, and I am nothing myself. What does that leave me?
I don't even care. It didn't bother me.
I hate that sadness leads to thinking leads to screwing up leads to thinking more leads to self-hatred.
Why do people think, exactly?
I just want to be a decent human being. Not even stellar, just acceptable.
'And you think I'm an asshole now, well you're probably right...'
Whatever.
I don't think I deserve to be around people, most of the time. The few times that I do have, even a seminal amount of, contact seem to verify that theory.
revoless.
3:56 p.m.
January 18, 2003.
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